July
by PoisonComeUndone
Summary: The most important things in life are never easy, but they're always worth it.  Just a little insight into Jack's head sometime in July of 1983.


Brokeback Mountain is so important to me that it's really hard to believe this is the first piece I've written for it. it's the whole reason I'm even into slash now, really. I mean, I'd started to slowly start reading lots of slash before that but I was always uneasy about it because I still felt deep down that it was wrong, and then I saw Brokeback Mountain and cried because there's NO denying what a powerful love story that movie tells.

Anyway, at some point I'd like to write lots more for it, but I watched it again a couple weeks ago and just couldn't resist writing this little oneshot from Jack's perspective, set in July before that November when he was supposed to meet Ennis.

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Nothing in life was ever easy.

Jack's daddy'd been tellin' him that for as long as he could remember, tellin' him too that if it was easy, that meant somethin' was wrong and you were about to get to the hard part. As a boy he'd never been sure if it was always that way or if it was just that way for people like them, ranch folk and the like, but as he got older he realized it didn't really matter. Every experience he ever had told him it was true, so whether or not that stretched around the world didn't make a lick of difference when it came to the fact that if he wanted something, for him it'd never come easy.

There was a difference, though, in seein' the bad and in thinkin' there was no way around the bad. He'd seen cowboys like that in the rodeo, kind that thought they were tied to the sport, destined to ride until they broke every bone in their body and lost everything they'd ever gained. They went until they ran themselves into the ground, chasin' something they couldn't have and didn't really want and _that_ was a way he'd never wanted to be, not about anything. Everything important was hard, sure, but not everything important had to go up in flames. He lived by that, at least, because if he didn't he'd have gone round the bend a long time ago.

Even 20 years down the road, he had to believe that maybe someday, he'd have a life with Ennis. Ennis was one of those things, too, because loving him, that came far too goddamn easy. So easy, in fact, that most of the time it screwed him to hell inside, because even when he _should_ be mad he couldn't _stay_ mad. Ennis'd look at him with those deep eyes and he'd see everything there that most of the time Ennis couldn't say. He'd see vulnerability and something else, something in way he'd look up at Jack from underneath the rim of his cowboy hat, somethin' lost and hurt and so fuckin' in love and just wantin' Jack to tell him that everything was gonna be ok, that _they_ were ok, and he could never do anything less.

Sometimes, though…_hell_. Sometimes, forget stickin' through the hard, he couldn't help but think that a smarter man woulda broke it off a long time ago. Thing was though, he wasn't stupid. Not by a long stretch. It was more that this was something that went beyond thinkin' down into something neither of them coulda ever controlled even if they'd wanted. They both knew it. Ennis had outright said it, that first time Jack had told him what it'd be like if they left and carved themselves out a life. Ennis had been right to say that around each other, they didn't really have any control. It was true, for damn sure. They'd hardly been able to get off each other in Ennis' driveway out in front of God and everybody, and goin' into that motel room hadn't been much better. If he'd been any longer with the key, Ennis woulda been groping his ass right there at the door.

Together they were like wild horses, a little unpredictable sometimes and a lot dangerous but it was pretty damn amazing to see when they were out and runnin' free. It was part 'a why he kept reminding himself what his daddy'd said, about life bein' hard, because that really was Ennis all over. Hard, but fuckin' worth it.

He should've been enough. He _was_ enough, and God if that part didn't tear him up. He hadn't wanted to fight, not leavin' like that, and he sure as hell hadn't wanted to bring up Mexico but it just slipped out and then it was there, out in the air between them where he couldn't reel it back in. And there was Ennis lookin' at him in a way he'd never wanted to see, something between jealousy and hurt and those goddamn walls that Jack had a hard time breakin' through even when it was just the two of them. So much of those years he'd felt strong cause he was ready to leave everything for Ennis, strong cause he wanted to take a chance but thinkin' on it in those months that came after leaving Brokeback in May Jack couldn't help but think that maybe Ennis had always been the strong one after all. He hadn't remarried. He'd quit jobs so they could be together, loads of them. Truth be told, Jack was pretty sure that was part of why Alma'd divorced him. He'd never gone to anyone else, never _really_ had anyone else but Jack, and every time Jack thought about that, he felt a little more like shit.

It wasn't like it was ever someone else he _wanted_. It was just Ennis, every time. Gettin' fucked down in Mexico, he never wanted to see their face. Not during. He'd just get on his hands and knees, shut his eyes and feel and _remember_ so hard that he could almost hear Ennis moaning in his ear, feel the way his fingers would flex on Jack's hips when he heard the noises Jack made when he hit him just right. It was always Ennis. Goin' up to the cabin with the foreman, he'd dropped to his knees and sucked him off hard against the door, and that was Ennis there, too. He'd pressed his palms against the grain of the door rather than let them rest on unfamiliar thighs, and he'd told himself the hands raking clumsily through his hair were Ennis' rough fingers. That was harder, though, because Ennis, his touch was different. If they'd just gotten together he was rough, desperate, kneading the back of Jack's neck like he couldn't take him in fast enough, but in the middle of the night he was different, fingers stroking soft through his hair, cradling the back of his head and whispering words he'd only ever say in the dark.

_Easy, Jack. Shit, Jack, I can't…so fuckin'…yeah. Right there, darlin'._

First time he'd whispered that word against Jack's ear, all low and rough and so damn close it'd been all Jack need to push him over the edge, his body shaking like he was gonna fly apart. Ennis'd finished and pulled out slow, not letting go as he laid down and tugged Jack against his chest. He'd wrapped the blanket around them both, tucked it around Jack's shoulders and kissed him just slow enough that it didn't help the way Jack was already nearly tremblin'. He'd kissed his forehead then, one hand splayed warm across his back. " 'S alright. I got ya."

Yeah, he had him alright. He always had. Always would, no matter how much it didn't make sense or what he might say in a fit a' anger. He'd said a few of those things in May for sure, but before that he'd run his mouth off in Lightning Flat, mad that he hadn't seen Ennis since last August and fresh off a weekend of sex with the foreman that he'd called by name to his daddy but he never called by name in his head. Soon as it was out of his mouth he knew it was a lie, knew he couldn't settle down with no man but Ennis, cause that'd be betrayal worse than the very occasional sex with Lureen could ever be, and he couldn't do that to Ennis, even if he'd never know. He'd never _want_ to do that to Ennis, besides the fact that it sure as hell wasn't what he wanted for himself. Sex was one thing, and weak as it might make him, he needed to take it sometimes where he could get it. Settlin' down, though, that was something else. That was everything he'd wanted, near far back as he could remember.

Still, maybe it was time to quit pushin', just a little. Ennis had broken down on him there at the end of that fight, and though he could't've been more relieved that Ennis cried in his arms rather than just shutting him out, _he'd_ been the one to hurt him like that in the first place, and come hell or high water he didn't ever wanna do that again. No, he could last. If Ennis could make it, so could he. He'd stop pushin', try to just savor what he could get and maybe one day Ennis'd surprise him. He'd sure done it before. For now, he'd just wait for November, get up there when he could and make sure Ennis knew how much he loved him, how much it was _just_ him where it counted. Only four months away, less than half a year. Better than nothing.

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